9. Being sick... again... Yep, I'm wrapping up Day #4 of my annual holiday season head/chest cold nastiness. It hurts to breathe, because my lungs itch and I feel like I need to cough. But it hurts to cough, so I try not to, especially since when I'm coughing, I'm not breathing, and that's kind of a negative in my book. And then there's the added bonus of the headache, fever, chills, and nasal nastiness to keep me company... And if I'm really, really, REALLY lucky, one or more of my kids will catch it and then we can spend the long rainy days together watching the Princess Bride and whining about the taste of NyQuil. And thus good times shall be had by all... o.O The bug has struck early this year, though... so maybe I'll actually be healthy when it comes time for the holidays, for a change :-) I can always hope, right?
8. Because the sight of Mom typing automatically means "Hey, she's not busy... Ask her anything!!!" Why is it that, whenever I sit down to type, that's always the moment when everybody needs my undivided attention, and all of it RIGHT NOW? "Honey, where would we have squirt guns?" "Mom, guess what? I finally got Steve to play Pokemon Indigo on his phone at lunch today!" "Hey, Mom, the APUSH teacher says I can watch the movie "Glory" for extra credit... And has Madame posted the grades for the last French quiz online yet?" "Hey, Mom, wanna hear a joke I heard at school today?" "Honey, are you SURE we don't still have all those empty coffee cans around here someplace? I was keeping them to use for weeble-walkers, but now I need them for the Cub Scout meeting tonight..." "Hey, Mom... What are we having for dinner?" "Honey... I need to boil an egg. Do you have anything you might need hardboiled eggs for? Because it seems silly to just boil one egg..." "So, Mom... When are you going to fill out my permission slip for the Boy Scout camping trip this weekend?" "Hey, Honey... How do I know if this egg from the fridge is hard-boiled or not? Because isn't it supposed to be kind of sloshy if it's not hard boiled? And I can't get this one to slosh..." Seriously... and all of these are just from tonight. And did I mention I've been sick for 4 days, and typing is about the only thing I can do without getting completely wiped out? I think I might just lose my mind...
7. And then there's that stupid stinking timer... We have a timer to help me keep track of dinner, and it never fails... I'll set the timer, thinking I've got however many minutes to write (or do whatever it is I think I need to be doing right then), sit down, and juuuuuusst as I get really into the task...
BEEE DE DE DEEEEP, BEEE DE DE DEEEEP, BEEE DE DE DEEEP, BEEE DE DE DEEEP...
My kids, bless their souls, tried to help me like our timer better by pointing out that it's got the same rhythm as the sound that loops in the Master's head in "The Sound of Drums"...
... but somehow, it just isn't all that reassuring o.O (Though it DOES lend weight to my theory that ANYTHING can be turned into a Doctor Who reference... :-D )
There are also timers on the microwave, washer, and dryer, and I swear, nothing disrupts your train of thought like a sudden BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP when you're least expecting it. Forget Britney Spears... I'm thinking that, if they really want to mentally cripple pirates in Somalia, they really just need to borrow my washer and dryer for a week ^_^
6. The care and feeding of miniature humans... What do you mean, "You're hungry??? I just fed you yesterday..." When my youngest was a toddler, he would come out of his room every morning, looking adorable in his footie pajamas and with his hobbit-mop of red curls springing out all over the place, and he would track down me or my husband each day with the same exact pronouncement: "Mo-om (or Da-ad)... I'm hungry AGAIN...!" To which, of course, there can only be one reasonable response: "What do you mean? We just fed you yesterday...!" Lest anyone think that we were mean parents, though, we did always walk with him into the kitchen and help him get his breakfast, after which he was generally content to go and play until time for snack... or, in hobbit-speak, second breakfast. And elevensies... and lunch... and second lunch... and so on. We don't just call him the Hobbit for no reason, you know... ^_^
Even now, though, at 10 years old, that kid STILL keeps insisting that I feed him... every single day, without fail. And not only that, but he's got his brother and sister trained to expect the SAME THING too, now! I mean, come on, people... What are you going to do when you go off to college and have to fend for yourselves? Oh, wait... that's what cafeteria food is for... never mind, then ^_^
Seriously though (just in case you didn't pick up on the invisible sarcasm font of that previous paragraph ;-) )... I have this weird aversion to cooking meals. Every day, I dread having to make dinner... but every day, I feel like it's my obligation as a mom to provide sustenance for my family. And for some reason, the urge to write always seems to strike me at right about 4:30 or 5-ish in the afternoon...
"Oh, hey, I've got this FABULOUS brainstorm of an idea for my next blog post! I'd better type it out before I forget..." **typety type, clickity-click, typety type type** "Wait, what...? You have somewhere to be at 7 and you need dinner first? Aw, maaaaaannnnn... OK, guess I'll come back to this later... It's Hamburger Helper time again!" (I have a serious love-hate relationship with Hamburger Helper... it's actually kind of scary o.O )
In their defense, though (before anyone starts commenting that I should pass along the mealtime chore to my kids for their sake and mine...), my kids ARE actually learning how to cook for themselves... even though it sometimes results in Facebook posts like the following:
3/5 of my family members proved today that they apparently don't know how to cook macaroni properly... Which led to this conversation:5. My inability to concentrate whenever there's anything else going on in the room... I'm just going to chalk this one up to the fact that, with autism, there's no such thing as tuning the world out and focusing on my... oh, hey, was that a squirrel or just the neighbor's cat? And why is that door open AGAIN? And can't you people see that there's a RIGHT way to stack the dirty dishes on the counter and a WRONG way to do it? And that sound the fan is making... Something's wrong with it... And how can I be expected to concentrate when the neighbors are watching WWE, anyway?
Me: "Great... Y'all better hope nothing ever happens to me, 'cause if I die, you're all gonna starve..."
Middle Child: "I know how to make noodles..."
Eldest Child: "OK, so when Mom dies, you're in charge of making the noodles for everyone, then."
Me: "Um... Because noodles are amazing...?"
AUTISM: Any Useless Tangent Is Something to Me...
And there goes that timer... again... Here come the drums, here come the drums...? o.O
4. Because there's nothing so fascinating in the world as what's on Mom's computer screen... One of my pet peeves has always been people reading over my shoulder. First off, it's an invasion of my personal bubble, which I'm very attached to and without which I'd go off the deep end. Second, it feels like someone's snuck up behind me, pried open my head, and is going through my brain matter like a five year old with an Operation game... "Hey there... What 'cha reading? Is it good? How did you find THAT article? What do you think about the subject? What's that link there go to?" This is even MORE nerve-wracking when it's not just a Facebook post or a news article that I'm looking over, but my own unfinished blog-post-to-be... the very core of what I'm thinking and feeling at that moment, naked and exposed to the open air.
Look, people... It takes me a while to synthesize what I'm reading and formulate an opinion. It also takes me a while to find the right words to express what I'm thinking about any given topic, because I want to make sure that what goes out on the blogosphere is an accurate reflection of my actual thoughts and opinions, and not some emotionally-charged hormono-rant that I'm going to regret in the morning. When that process of choosing words, looking them over, reconsidering, and revising is interrupted, I shut down... my brain puts everything on hold, and all I can think to do is to slam the computer shut to protect myself. And then I never seem to be able to pick up my thoughts again... and yet another post goes into the "Draft" pile...
3. The DAemon Twins: Discouragement and Apathy... I covered this topic in my last blog post... Basically, it's that notion I get that I have nothing worth saying and no energy to bother saying it with. I let these two get in my way far more often than I should... But at least by being honest and transparent about it, I can climb back on that keyboard and ride back into the battle... OK, now THAT analogy didn't work and just kept on going anyway... o.O
2. How do I tell an honest story without offending anyone or hurting their feelings? First and foremost, I want to be honest and transparent in all I say, do, and write... For me, it's a matter of integrity. But sometimes, life is messy, and sometimes, people are ugly. And sometimes, being honest means exposing that ugliness and letting people see the consequences of their bad decisions. That's a really difficult thing for me, though, because honestly, I want everyone to like me and to be happy about everything I write. I don't like ruffling feathers or putting people on the spot publicly... To quote one of my favorite Bible verses (I use it as my email signature as a constant reminder), as far as it depends on me, I want to live at peace with everyone (Romans 12:18) There's also the verses about how love covers a multitude of sins (1 Peter 4:8, Proverbs 10:12 and 17:9); if I love someone, the last thing I want to do is publicly humiliate them or put them in a spotlight for others to mock or condemn. So, for now, there are a LOT of things I would love to write about... but for the sake of love and for the purpose of keeping the peace, I won't. Some of you who may know me well enough to know my story may wonder why I never mention some things on my blog, even though they're HUGE right now in my life; this is my reason why.
And the Number One Obstacle to Me Writing What I MEAN to Write...
1. My own high expectations... When I was in college, I remember reading an article in which the author asked the question: Why isn't it enough anymore for us to be just good at something? Why must we always be the best or else feel that we've failed? It's like our culture has told us that, if we're not the best, we're worthless. If our schools aren't #1 in the world, then we're failing. If I didn't get the highest grade in the class, then I'm not trying hard enough. When we think like this, we're setting ourselves up for disaster, because no matter how hard we work or how much effort we put into something, chances are there is always going to be someone somewhere in the world who can top us. Any record we set will someday be toppled; any achievement we make will someday be matched. So... Why aim for a target that can never be met?
When I'm faced with this realization, I tend to get discouraged and give up (hey, look, it's those DAemon twins again...). And then I end up fulfilling the prophecy of not being good enough, because by not writing ANYTHING, I'm definitely not writing the BEST of anything, or even anything remotely near GOOD... it's just a big pile of silence and frustration. And if God has called me to write and to give encouragement to others, then by writing nothing, I'm basically sitting in the corner sulking and refusing to obey. And that is most definitely NOT something I want to have to fess up to...
So...
If I can't sulk and get away with it by hiding (because that wouldn't be transparent), and I can't rationalize and talk my way out of being disobedient (because that wouldn't be honest), then the only option left to me is to obey, to go forward and write, whether I think the result is worth the effort or not. And maybe I'll learn to be OK with just doing my best and letting God do what He wants with it. I'm such a perfectionist; I expect soooo much more out of myself than anyone else around me does. I want every post to be brilliant, every word perfectly chosen, every conclusion the final word on the subject, and every "Aha!" moment an illumination of truth in this dark world. And when it isn't, I wonder why I should even bother. But then I remember that I'm not the light of the world-- Jesus is. I'm not perfect-- but Jesus is. I don't get to have the final word on anything-- God does. And I don't have to be brilliant-- it's enough for me to be me and to be content with that :-)
So... To all my writer friends out there (you know who you are, and even if you didn't, you do now, because, yes, I'm talking to YOU :-P )... What are the things that keep YOU from writing? Am I the only one who deals with this crazy stuff? What do you do to stay motivated to write?
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