The Handy-Dandy Guide to Relationships... Teen Edition :-)

OK, so just this week, my lovely daughter brought it to my attention that there seems to be some confusion among the younger generation (AKA her oh-so-helpful friends at lunch the other day) as to what exactly puts two people in the category of "dating."  So, with a smile on my face that says I'm 48% joking, I'm going to dedicate this blog post to the Subtle Differences Between the Various Stages of Teenage Relationships.  (And for those of you reading this who are actually a part of this "younger generation", you can use this as a handy-dandy guide to what us old geezers are thinking when we use these phrases in front of you and your potential boyfriend/girlfriend...  We're not actually TRYING to humiliate you, it's just that it comes so naturally to us... ^_^ )

"The Crush"
Ah, yes... this is the way that many teenage relationships seem to start out.  You like him/her... and usually, he/she hasn't quite figured out that you exist yet.  But you're hopeful, because you just know that, as soon as he/she notices that you like him/her (assuming that they first realize that you exist, of course), he or she will recognize that the two of you have virtually everything in common and were obviously meant to be together.  This stage usually lasts until you figure out that everything you love about your crush is based upon how little you actually know about your crush, and once you realize how truly annoying he or she can be, the fascination dries up pretty quickly :-/  This is most definitely the single most irritating type of teenage relationship for your friends, since the only thing you ever want to talk about in the Crush stage is your crush; it's particularly annoying to those friends who also happen to be in the Crush stage but are crushing on you as you're crushing on someone else... but anyway...

"Dating"
This is the "test-driving" stage of a relationship.  Basically, when you're "dating" (or "allowed to date", as all my fellow parents out there are probably hollering right about now...), your main goal is to try out as many of the local hotties as possible in search of that One True Love of Your Life.  So, when that cute guy from Biology class asks you if you want to go and see "An Unexpected Miserable Parental Guidance Chainsaw Trip Unchained" with him next Saturday afternoon, naturally you say "Yes!"... even though you've already got plans to go and see the very same movie with the cute guy from Geometry on Friday night ^_^   No commitment, no expectations, no jealousy allowed... just looking for a good time with whoever asks first... that's "dating."  (In other words, if you're a teenage boy and you're thinking about asking if you can "date" my daughter, start preparing yourself now for an answer of either "Um, no...", "NO.", "HECK no!", and/or "I'm the Doctor... Basically, RUN.")...

"Going Out"
This is the stage where you actually start going out to stuff with the same person more than once... For example, let's say you both thoroughly enjoyed "An Unexpected Miserable Parental Guidance Chainsaw Trip Unchained", and now he's asking you if you want to go with him to see "The Rise of the 40 Jack Reachers in the Promised Land" next weekend.  And since you had a good time before AND you still think he's kind of cute (and he didn't pick his nose even once that you noticed during the movie...), you say "Sure... Why not?"  So, now that you've been spotted out in public with the same person multiple times, it's perfectly reasonable for your friends/friends' friends/parents' annoying coworkers to start asking, "Hey, so... are you two a couple?"  And now, finally, you have the perfect answer for them: "Well... We're going out."  Short, simple, and vague enough to only be slightly awkward ^_^

"Going Steady"
(My mother-in-law gave me this one... Personally, I hadn't heard it since I was a teenager, but now that I'm the parent of teens, it's kind of starting to grow on me... )

Now, this is where things start to get interesting o.O  You like him/her... and he/she likes you back.  You've done the whole "going out" thing several times, and you've both pretty much stopped going out with anyone else.  However... you're not really sure that you're quite ready for That Special Someone to come home and meet the rest of your crazy family just yet... especially if they're the kind of family that entertains themselves by dissecting the personality quirks of every new visitor and/or throwing food at mealtimes...


So... "going steady" means that you're kind of a couple now... in an officially unofficial sense, anyway.  Your friends all know you're a couple, but your parents and all of their friends and family members are still trying to explain your relationship by saying things like, "He's such a nice boy... and they're so cute together!" or "Aww... Isn't puppy love adorable?"  Which leads to all sorts of interesting family nicknames for your Almost-Significant Other... such as:

• The Unofficial Boyfriend (AKA The Ubbie)
• His Unofficial Girlfriend (AKA The Huggie)
• The He's-NOT-My-Boyfriend/She's-NOT-My-Girlfriend (if you can figure out how to turn HNMB or SNMG into something both acronymical and cutesy, be my guest...)
• The Potential Boyfriend/Potential Girlfriend (shortening this to "Pot Boy" or "Pot Girl", however, will probably NOT win you any coolness points with the teens in your life.  Just sayin'...) 
• The We're-Just-Friends... Really-Really-Really-Good-Friends (added emphasis on the last Really is purely optional, but adds that touch of flavor and mystery to the phrase that makes one raise the eyebrow and go "Oh, really?")
• Your Young Man Friend.  (I have my sister to blame for that one...  Apparently, there is more than one way to interpret the phrase "He's NOT MY BOYFRIEND!" after all o.O  I draw the line, however, at acronymizing this to "The Yummie"...)

"Boyfriend/Girlfriend"
So.  This is (or should be, anyway) the epitome of teenage relationship status clarity.  You like him/her, he/she likes you back, and you've brought him/her home to meet your parents and siblings AND gone over to meet his/her parents and siblings as well.  He/she has asked you to be his/her girlfriend/boyfriend, and you've decided that yes, you're willing to ignore all of the other possible hotties in your life and settle on this one person for the foreseeable future, with the expectation that he/she is going to do the same.  This is the point at which you change your Facebook status, put pictures of him/her in your locker and on the walls of your room, and start referring to him/her in every possible situation as "My boyfriend/my girlfriend..."

Friend 1: "So, Steve and I are going to the movies this weekend.  Do you want to come with us?"
You: "Sure!  My boyfriend and I would LOVE to!  Which movie and what time?"

Friend 2:  "So, Morgan and I were sitting in Modern World History this morning, and OMG, I could not believe what Shelbie and Dakota were saying about Tiffany's dress at Homecoming..."
You:  "Yeah, I know... My boyfriend is in that class too, and he totally heard them talking about it..."

Friend 3:  "So, we went to my grandparents' house for Thanksgiving, and the pumpkin pie caught fire and burned one wall of the kitchen, which my Uncle Ernie had to use the egg nog to put out, but then we had to take him to the hospital with 2nd degree burns..."
You:  "Hey, my boyfriend has grandparents too!  And he likes things that catch fire... and pie..."

But anyway... That's pretty much The Beautiful Letdown's Handy Dandy Guide to Relationships for Teenagers in a nutshell ^_^  Enjoy, and try to avoid the flaming pie next time...