Hello again, after nearly a decade away 😳 I honestly didn't expect to be out of writing for so long, but a ton of stuff has happened-- some good, some bad, all of it life-changing in one way or another-- and I've finally gotten to a point where I feel ready to start writing again. The following is a journal entry from a few days ago, but today I got a reminder of something I had forgotten to include, and it felt like a gentle holy nudge to publish and share my grief and praise with the world (yes, for my fellow Glen Phillips fans out there, that is a song reference and there will be a music video at the end, just like the old days...)
I will probably end up explaining more of the Stuff That Happened while I was away in future blog posts, but this is where I'm choosing to start, so here goes...
*****
February 12, 2024
Tonight, I am grieving the loss of yet another of my former students. I remember Derek and his twin (not identical, because I could always tell the two apart) brother Ryan from junior and senior English classes, and when I saw the “Sad News” email heading from my school district and read the latest death notice, Derek’s smile and his scrawny little mustache loomed in front of my eyes like a ghost… Yes, I know it’s banal, but yeah, like a frickin’ ghost. I’ve been holding it in these past couple of days, but I guess a couple glasses of wine breaks down the barrier between the “Oh, how sad” and the “OMFG, he’s another child gone with no tomorrow…”
Tonight, I add him to the list… Which has stayed in my head for the most part because I fear I will break apart if I actually see all of their names in one place in writing, I guess. I included the (partial, though at the time I hoped it would be final, as we do…) list at the dedication to my Master’s Thesis back in 2017, hoping that that would be the end of it, but goddamnit, the list won’t stop growing…
Proof that we live in a broken world, and I am here trying to fix it with frickin’ scotch tape and a prayer.
2013 Cesar (2016)
2015 Page (2015)
2016 Brandt (2016)
2016 Pedro (2019)
2016 Noah (2016)
2016 Alexandria (2015)
2016 Dani (2017)
2019 Maddie (2022)
2019 Arvin (2022)
2020 Hayden (2022)
2020 Wesley (2020)
Again, I am reminded that I only have a brief moment to make an eternal impact on each kid that I meet in the classroom, and that each moment can effect eternity… Each time I speak to a kid, it may be the last thing I ever say to them, and who knows if it will be something that will play in their head on repeat for ever and ever until the end. I don’t remember what the last thing I ever said to Derek was, and I probably never will, but I hope that it was something that encouraged him instead of discouraging him, or maybe it was something he forgot along the way, which is also fine. We do not know the eternal impact our careless words have, so be careful what you say each time you open your mouth.
*****
And here is the promised music video, Glen Phillips' "Grief and Praise"...
And here is an article in which Glen explains where songs like "Grief and Praise" from his album Swallowed By The New came from:
https://www.independent.com/2016/10/13/exclusive-interview-glen-phillips-on-swallowed-by-new/
Many of the things he went through that led to his first album in a decade are exactly the same ones I've gone through in the past decade, so yeah, I can definitely relate... But more to come on that in future blog posts...
