But I wonder if maybe we spend so much time trying to find the right words to say it and the right phrase to summarize it that we never actually get around to explaining what salvation could actually mean to the person we're talking to, and we end up just adding to the noise instead of helping anyone. And if we're all just so many noisy clanging cymbals, is it any wonder that, when the topic of religion comes up and we say, "Well, I'm a Christian...", no one ever follows that up with "Oh, really? Why are you a Christian, and what is it like to be a Christian?" Unless of course they're just looking for reasons to dismiss you as an idiot, lunatic, or fanatic... and if that's the case, then they're going to find reasons to do that no matter what you say, so what you say really doesn't end up mattering in the first place :-/ But that's a whole 'nother topic, and not one worth going into at the moment anyway, so... :-)
So, basically, if you have no interest in my answer to the question of "Why are you a Christian and what is it like to be a Christian?", and/or you don't care to read about what salvation means to me, then that's just fine... you can skip the rest of this post and read about some of my other, less "religious" soapboxes. No offense taken :-)
But... if you're curious or if you really want to know more about why I am the way I am, then here we go:
What "Salvation" Means to Me
We all strive to fill our days with stuff to keep us busy, to keep us interested, to keep us from getting bored. We go to school and/or to work, we come home, we eat our meals, we go to sleep. We read books, watch TV, listen to our iPods, look for YouTube videos, play Minecraft. We play in bands, compete on teams, work on projects, spend time with our loved ones, relax with friends... well, we try to relax when we're not busy doing all of the other stuff, anyway.... Sometimes we go places to worship those things that are bigger than us... whether they're worthy of our worship or not.
But then, there are those times when we're all alone, when the work is done, the friends have all gone home, the loved ones are all asleep, when the computer is off and the TV is silent. Those times when we have nothing to distract us from that gigantic gaping hole in our souls that keeps us awake, whispering in our ears...
You. Are. Alone.
And we realize that not only are we alone and feeling kind of lonely in that moment, but we are undeniably, painfully Alone as well. Because there is a difference between simply being lonely and being Alone... Lonely is what we feel when we think no one is around and we wish that someone was; we know that it is temporary and that we will survive. When we are Alone, we're not so sure about either. We spend our days trying to convince ourselves and others that that hole isn't there, that we are complete and that we have it all together... but when we are Alone, we look it in the face and know that we are liars.
(OK, so maybe you're sitting there reading this and thinking to yourself, "Oooooh-KAY then... Let me know when Reality comes calling again, and until then, just keep your little CRACKED self over in that corner way, way away from the rest of us, 'kay? Thanks..." And that's fine... I'm not likely to come after you with anything but a dull pencil, so you're most likely safe where you are ^_^ But next time you're alone, and you're thinking about all that big dark Meaning of Life stuff... I'll bet you'll remember this and start to wonder why... o.O)
So, what is this hole in our souls and why is it there? I would say that it's the spot where our spirit should be, and that it's been carved and shaped and left empty by God so that we would look for Him. You see, we're like little kids with a jigsaw puzzle... We've got most of the pieces together, we know what our lives should look like, but there's just that one spot we can't seem to find the right piece for.
So what do we do?
We take all of the pieces we've got left and try to fit them into that spot to see which one is the right one. Trouble is (and I'm sure we've all run into this at least once in our lives... I know my kids did a LOT when I was still running my day care :-D ), all of our puzzle boxes have gotten spilled a time or two, and with this particular puzzle, there's one piece missing.
So, what do we do now?
Well, we can try to keep cramming random pieces into the hole, and get more and more frustrated with each one that doesn't fit. Hey, we can even go and get all of the other puzzle boxes out, dump them all over the floor, and then try all of those pieces in the hopes that one of them will fit. Just imagine all the super bonus frustration that you can have with that approach ^_^ And then when none of the pieces fit, we can get all mad and throw all of the puzzle pieces all around the room before setting fire to them in the bathtub. And then try to explain the reasonableness of our decision-making process to the nice firefighters and the insurance adjusters when they come to call...
Or... We can go to the adult of the house and ask them if they know which piece goes there and where that piece might be. And if they would be so kind as to help us find it and put it in its place.
See, this is the situation I found myself in when I was 20. None of my pieces were fitting together, and I knew that I had great big gaping holes in my life where things like hope, security, and a will to live should have been. I had been trying for years to put myself together and keep myself there, but no matter what I did, nothing seemed to work for very long, and as soon as I thought I had it figured out, another piece would fall to the ground and my whole puzzle would shatter.
I was Alone.
But then God was there, and He offered me the piece I'd always been missing. And once that piece was in place, all of the other pieces made more sense. Of course, it helped that now I could ask God for help putting the pieces together... "So, hey, Lord... How does this piece with the iguana in polka-dot boxer shorts balancing on a beach ball fit into the whole picture? Oh, wait... What do you mean it's really a red carnation balanced on the steering wheel of a Toyota Camry? Well, I guess that does make a little more sense, especially when you put it between those other two pieces..."
But still... What does any of this have to do with salvation?
Well, salvation is the name of that missing piece to my puzzle... No, not the iguana one, the other, analogy-type one, smart-alecks :-P You see, I needed a savior, someone to rescue me and help me put the pieces of my life together, because as long as I was trying to put myself together on my own, I was doomed to failure.
But what did I need saving from? What super-scary threat did I need to be rescued from?
Now, this is the part where a preacher would talk about eternal punishment for sins, the death of the soul, separation from God and light and all things that are Good, and unending punishment in a lake of fire. And all of those things are in the Bible and all of those are gigantically big, end-of-the-world, Meaning-of-Life kinds of things that I am fantastically grateful to be rescued from. Because it is a huge relief to know that I don't have to worry about any of those things when I die. But, it seems to me that there should be more to salvation than just the things I won't have to worry about until after I'm dead. And I'm really not much of a preacher anyway, so...
I think we all get the concept of being saved from a white slavery ring by a devoted father (a la Taken), or being saved from genocide like in Schindler's List, or being saved from a sinking ship like in Titanic, or even being saved from Loki and the Chitauri by Nick Fury and the Avengers. We totally get that, and we even pay a good chunk of money to see those stories play out on the big screen. And in Christian circles, we hear all the time about people being saved from addictions, saved from prostitution, saved from disease or infirmity or financial difficulties... which are all amazing and fantastic, but not something we've all gone through. Most of us live pretty mundane lives, with few or no tales of sinking ships or bank robberies to tell. But that doesn't mean we don't need someone to save us sometimes. Here are the mundane little things that I needed saving from:
The shame about all of the stupid things I did when I was too stupid to know any better.
The shame about all of the stupid things I did when I really did know better.
The worry that no matter what I did, I would always be a failure.
The worry that everyone was about to find out that I would always be a failure.
The pressure of trying to be good enough for people to finally accept me for who I was.
The pressure of just trying to be better than I was.
The endless work of getting up every morning and still just being... me.
The suspicion that my existence and my life really was just a random collection of chances with no bigger meaning or point to it.
The fear about what if it would mean if that suspicion turned out to be true.
The frustration of going to work and to school each day and wondering why on earth any of it even matters.
The added frustration of being told that it all should matter by people who couldn't seem to explain why it should matter.
The realization that everyone I knew and everything I had was, at one point or another, going to leave me.
The panic in realizing that there was nothing I could do to stop them.
The terror of feeling lost and knowing that I had no idea where I was going, what I was doing, or how in the hell I'd gotten where I was.
The quiet certainty that all of that was my fault.
The knowledge that with every day I lived, I risked hurting the people who loved me and the ones that I loved back even more than I had the day before.
The knowledge that even if I tried to explain that to them, they'd deny it to my face and tell me I was just being melodramatic.
The loneliness of being completely, utterly Alone in this world.
The understanding that the only way to end that loneliness was for me to die.
The pain that I knew it would take to get myself there.
The damage I would do to myself if I didn't succeed.
The uncertainty of what was actually behind the dark veil of death.
To sum the whole list up in 7 words or less:
I needed to be saved from myself.
All my life, I had been hoping and waiting for my Bryan Mills, my Oskar Schindler, my Thor, my own personal superhero to come and rescue me from myself so that I could go out and finally be everything I always wanted to be. None of them ever came.
Jesus Christ did.
And in asking Him to rescue me and trusting that He actually would, I finally found the peace I had been missing. Which was followed by the hope, the security, and the will to live that I so desperately wanted. And He has never left me, even in my craziest, my darkest, and my scariest times... and I won't lie, there are still times like that, even now that I'm a Christian. The difference is that, when things get dark and no one is around, Jesus is still there and I'm not alone anymore.
I will be the first to admit that I'm not some well-read theologian; I know that there are a vast number of different theories about the afterlife, the soul, the "true" meanings of heaven, hell, grace, justice, redemption, propitiation, atonement, and so on-- even within Christianity alone. And I don't know much about most of those theories, much less about what other religions and worldviews have to say about such things.... and not knowing much means I should probably not say much, lest I sound even more like a total idiot than I already do ^_^
But what I can talk about is what I know from my own life and what it has convinced me of. And so, this is what I mean when I talk about "salvation"... I'm talking about the peace I have that comes from being saved from my own self-destructive impulses. The hope I have that comes from knowing I'm going to be all right after all. The relief that comes from knowing I have a Superhero who will come to either rescue me from whatever trouble I get myself into or stand guard over me as that trouble blows over. The joy that comes from knowing that whatever crap may be going on in my life right now, there is something 3 million times better waiting for me once it's over.
So, maybe you're asking: What on earth brought this particular train of thought roaring through the station at 3:30 in the morning on a night when my youngest child is home sick with the flu? (Well, maybe you weren't asking, but now that I've brought it up, just go with me on this one, OK? If for no other reason than sympathy for a sick kid... ^_^)
I've been thinking a lot recently about someone I know who doesn't see the same things I do when they think about God, the universe, the meaning of life, and a lot of that stuff. This person has become one of my very favorite people in the world, and I care a lot about them and what they think and feel and believe, even if we agree to disagree on some of the Big Picture Stuff. The thing is, because I care about this person, I want them to be more settled and feel more at peace than they are right now, and all I know is that I've found that kind of security, peace, joy, and meaning in my relationship with Jesus. What I don't want to do is to preach at them or make them feel like I'm lecturing or threatening them, because I remember what that feels like and I absolutely hate, hate, HATE that feeling... that feeling that because I'm not a saved believing Christian, I'm somehow subhuman and therefore not worthy of value unless I get my act together and get "saved." But, how do I talk to them about salvation without them thinking I'm trying to change them into something they're not or puff myself up into something I'm not? And I know that, as I go through this life, I'm going to meet more and more people like this, and I'm going to find myself over and over again in this same situation of wanting to speak but not feeling welcome to... and that doesn't even begin to count all of the people I'll never meet who will get to know me by reading this blog. The possibilities here actually hurt my brain o.O
So maybe I'm kind of hoping that, even if I never get the chance to tell them my story in person, they'll read this blog, and hopefully, they'll actually listen to what I have to say without shutting me out. In the meantime, my job is to love them right where they're at, whether we agree or not. Because really, it's not up to me to "save" them... that's between them and God. All I want to do is tell them what I know so that they can hear the truth about being a Christian from someone who's been there and has finally found what they are still so desperately looking for.
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